Milford tried the knob again, but it wouldn't turn. Then he tried pulling on it, to no avail.
He turned around.
"I think this door is locked," he said.
"No shit, Sherlock," said the man at the podium.
"But we want to leave," said Milford.
"Maybe you shouldn't have come in here in the first place," said the guy at the podium.
"What the fuck," said Milford.
"Hey, watch your language, buddy," said the podium man.
Addison addressed the enormous fat man.
"Look, can we please just leave? We have some ladies who are waiting for us."
"Ladies?" said the fat man. "I find that hard to believe."
"Well, it's true, believe it or not," said Addison.
"Very well, I don't believe it then."
"Ha ha, good one, Big Daddy," said the podium guy. And now he turned to Milford. "Did you hear that, sonny? Big Daddy don't believe him. And neither do I."
"We don't care what you believe," said Milford. "Now please unlock this door and let us leave."
"Or what?" said the podium man.
"Or – or –" said Milford. "Or –"
"Or nothing, you little dweeb," said the podium man. "You and your boyfriend gonna make us let you out? Go ahead and try. Go ahead. I dare you, dipshit."
"Okay, Cerberus," said the man who was apparently called Big Daddy. "No need to threaten violence. Not yet, anyway."
"But punks like this piss me off, boss."
"They piss me off, too, Cerberus."
"Look," said Addison. "We're sorry, we really are. We meant no trouble."
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," said the fat man.
"But we really are expected elsewhere, by some good ladies."
"Prostitutes?"
"No," said Addison, "these are nice ladies, and we left them in this other bar, and –"
"Why don't you just say you want to leave?" said Big Daddy.
"I think we did say that," said Addison.
"I mean," said Big Daddy, "why didn't you just say you want to leave without making up this fairy tale about how some nice 'ladies' are waiting for you?"
"Um," said Addison.
"Okay," said Milford. "Look, if it will make you happy, we'll say that. 'We just want to leave.' Okay?"
"Well, that's better," said Big Daddy.
"A little better," said the podium guy.
"Great," said Addison. "And we're really sorry about the misunderstanding. Right, Milford?"
"Yes," said Milford. "So now can we go?"
"No," said Big Daddy.
"Why not?"
"My dear young fellow, is it not obvious?"
"No, it's not obvious," said Milford.
"But it must be obvious to you, Mathewson," said the fat man to Addison. "You who are older, and one might presume, possibly wiser, or at least less obtuse."
"No," said Addison. "I confess that none of this is obvious to me in the slightest. And by the way, my name is not Mathewson –"
"Don't correct Big Daddy," said the man at the podium.
"But my name is not –"
"Look," said the big man, "whatever your name is – or, more likely, whatever your pseudonym or alias might be, I think there's one inalienable truth we may all agree on."
"Is there?" said Addison.
"Yes," said the fat man. "Do I have to say what it is?"
"Please do," said Addison.
"The one thing we can all agree on is that you two are a pair of prime, one might say extreme, one might say quintessential – can you guess what I'm going to say?"
"Oh, fuck this," said Milford.
"No, fuck you, punk," said the podium guy.
"If I may continue," said the fat man. "The one thing we can all agree on is that you two fellows are supreme examples of that which men call – guess."
"I don't know," said Addison.
"He knows," said the podium guy. And he addressed Addison. "You know."
"Fuck this," Milford repeated.
"Hey, kid, I ain't gonna warn you again," said the podium man.
"Look," said Addison, to the fat man, "I don't mean to be rude, but can you just say whatever it is you want to say and get it over with?"
"Certainly I can," said the huge man. "Why? Do you want me to?"
"Yes," said Addison."
"You want me to come right out and say it?"
"Oh, Christ," said Milford.
"You," said the podium guy, pointing to Milford. "Do not make me come around from this podium."
"It's all right, Cerberus," said the big man. "They want to hear what I have to say, so I will tell them."
"Tell 'em good, Big Daddy."
The fat man took a good draw on his enormous cigar and then slowly exhaled a great cloud of smoke. He tapped the cigar's ash with one of his sausage-like fingers, and then spoke.
"What I have to say is simply this," he said.
He paused, as the world crashed and roared all around him.
"Yes?" said Addison.
"You're douchebags," said the fat man.
"What?" said Addison.
"You heard him," said the podium man. "Douchebags, douchebag."
"Okay," said Milford. "Great. We're douchebags. Now, can you please unlock the door and let us out of here."
"Sure we can," said the big man. "Right, Cerberus?"
"That's right, Big Daddy," said the podium guy. He reached into his suit jacket and took out an old-fashioned key attached to a dirty-looking rabbit's foot. "I got the key, right here."
"Super," said Addison. "It was very nice meeting you, both, and now –"
"Sure we can unlock the door," said the fat man. "But."
"But what?" said Addison.
"But just because we can doesn't mean we will."
"Ha ha," said the podium man. "Good one, Big Daddy. You hear that, punk?" he said to Milford. "Just because we can don't mean we will. You hear that?"
"Yes, I heard it," said Milford.
"And so, now, if you will, gentlemen," said the fat man, "please accompany me."
"Where?" said Milford.
"To my table."
"What for?" said Milford.
"To talk, to chat," said the big man. "To have a libation or two. On the house I might add."
"But we don't want to," said Milford.
"Watch it, twerp," said the podium guy, pointing the key at Milford. "Don't make me warn you again, again."
"But we just want to leave," said Milford.
"Oh really?" said the fat man. He addressed Addison. "And do you also wish to leave, sir?"
"To be quite honest, yes," said Addison.
"You mean to say you are turning down free drinks?"
"I know this might sound slightly fantastic," said Addison, "but yes."
"You're actually saying you don't want to sit and chat congenially like gentlemen, and drink for free?"
"For free?"
"Absolutely free, gratis, and for nothing."
"Just chat?"
"Chat and drink, yes."
"For free?"
"On the house."
"Well, for how long?"
"Addison," said Milford.
"Well, I was just wondering how long Mister, uh –"
"Big Daddy," said Big Daddy.
"I was just wondering how long Mr. Big Daddy wanted to chat for?"
"But the ladies," said Milford.
"Ladies, ha," said the podium guy.
"I'm sure the ladies will still be there," said Addison, "if we're not too long." He addressed the fat man again. "So how long did you want to chat for?"
"How long you ask?"
"Yes," said Addison. "I mean, I guess we could stay for a quick drink, but only a quick one, maybe two –"
"How long you ask?" said the fat man.
"Yes," said Addison. "I mean, we I guess we could stay fifteen minutes or so –"
"Addison," said Milford.
"How long?" said Big Daddy.
"Yes," said Addison. "Like, for how long?"
"How about forever?" said the fat man.
"Ha ha," said the podium guy.
"What?" said Addison.
"I think you heard me," said the fat man.
Addison and Milford said nothing for the moment, as the noise of harsh laughter and the babble of shouting rolled continuously over them on thick waves of smoke and as a jukebox blared a popular song from twenty years previous.
{Please go here to read the unexpurgated "adult comix" version in A Flophouse Is Not a Home, profusely illustrated by the illustrious Rhoda Penmarq…}
